My dad isn’t coming to my college graduation because he hates my mom and her side of the family

[Camila]

I just got off the phone with my dad. He told me that he’s not planning on coming to my graduation in the spring. When I asked him why (knowing what he’s about to say lol) he started going on and on about how horrible my mom is because she’s calculated and cold and manipulated our relationship and he can’t be around her (because, in his words, it would be like if I had to hang out with my old abusive boyfriend).

My dad is complicated and definitely extremely paranoid. He hasn’t actually been manipulated (he has intense anger issues and fear of rejection) but it doesn’t matter because he’s rationalized it in his head. He’s hated her since they broke up when I was two and always talks trash on her even though he’s responsible for most of his own turmoil. To the point where he isn’t coming to my grad.

He told me he wants me to know that he’s still super proud of me and I know that and am trying to understand even though I am so sad he won’t be there.

I’ve told him to go back to therapy so he can let go and forgive because how much he hates her damages our relationship a lot to the point where I can’t talk to him. But I (and he does too) don’t think he’s ever going to change. How do I separate myself from that fact and learn to live with his constant berating?

TLDR; Dad hates mom to the point where he’s missing out on huge things in my life and it’s creating a gap between us. How do I come to peace with this and let go of the hope that he might one day let it go?

 

[Lex]

All shall be well maybe before spring will have changed his mind

 

[hsnyder1994]

I can sympathize with you all too well. And I'm very sorry that your father wasn't there for your graduation. Both of my parents were full-blown narcissists, and I think the best thing they ever did was get a divorce while me and my siblings were still young. My father was the exact same way... He made no effort to continue being part of my life after my childhood, made every excuse in the book as to why he failed to be a real father when it mattered. Always had this defense of, "The phone goes both ways" while I was growing up, yet I had to be the one to call him. When it was convenient for him to talk. And when I did talk to him, I never heard the end of how he was feeling, what he was going through, or the latest thing my mother had done to piss him off. And when he did choose to be part of my life, he f**ked it up on colossal levels. Big time. I forgave him because I loved him, even with all of his faults... But forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. And it took even more time as an adult to have enough with it. I can always love him, but he's never going to change. Allowing him to be part of my life isn't going to bring me any peace.

Hon, I know that you love your father and you are trying to understand... But if I'm going to be bluntly honest, you shouldn't have to do that. You shouldn't have to fight for your dad to be there when it's important, when it really matters. Regardless of how he feels about your mother. When someone becomes a parent, they are supposed to make sacrifices to put their children first- even if there is a challenge. He made your graduation about himself- his feelings, instead of you. He made an excuse to not be there for you on one of the most important days of your life. I'm telling you this out of respect, nothing against your father... It's okay to forgive him. But if you let him do this, allowing him to believe that you're willing to understand for his benefit, then he is going to do this for as long as possible. He's going use your mother as an excuse every time. He'll use it to let you down. And he'll disappoint you, again and again. Please don't let him do that to you... I know it's very hard; All daughters want to have their daddies in their lives. My dad used to be my favorite person... And because I loved him so much, he used it to his advantage. We are no longer on speaking terms. It's not wrong for you to want to understand your dad's feelings, but he needs to know that you won't allow it to happen again. Don't give him the permission to put you on the back-burner when it's important for him to be there. And if he's not willing to put you first, before himself... Let him go. Just let him go. And maybe, there will come a day when he's realized what he's done to your relationship with him. Maybe that's jumping too far ahead into the future, but he needs to know how you feel before it's too late. You really need to have a talk with him.

 

[ANY1invited]

I can sympathize with you all too well. And I'm very sorry that your father wasn't there for your graduation. Both of my parents were full-blown narcissists, and I think the best thing they ever did was get a divorce while me and my siblings were still young. My father was the exact same way... He made no effort to continue being part of my life after my childhood, made every excuse in the book as to why he failed to be a real father when it mattered. Always had this defense of, "The phone goes both ways" while I was growing up, yet I had to be the one to call him. When it was convenient for him to talk. And when I did talk to him, I never heard the end of how he was feeling, what he was going through, or the latest thing my mother had done to piss him off. And when he did choose to be part of my life, he f**ked it up on colossal levels. Big time. I forgave him because I loved him, even with all of his faults... But forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. And it took even more time as an adult to have enough with it. I can always love him, but he's never going to change. Allowing him to be part of my life isn't going to bring me any peace.

Hon, I know that you love your father and you are trying to understand... But if I'm going to be bluntly honest, you shouldn't have to do that. You shouldn't have to fight for your dad to be there when it's important, when it really matters. Regardless of how he feels about your mother. When someone becomes a parent, they are supposed to make sacrifices to put their children first- even if there is a challenge. He made your graduation about himself- his feelings, instead of you. He made an excuse to not be there for you on one of the most important days of your life. I'm telling you this out of respect, nothing against your father... It's okay to forgive him. But if you let him do this, allowing him to believe that you're willing to understand for his benefit, then he is going to do this for as long as possible. He's going use your mother as an excuse every time. He'll use it to let you down. And he'll disappoint you, again and again. Please don't let him do that to you... I know it's very hard; All daughters want to have their daddies in their lives. My dad used to be my favorite person... And because I loved him so much, he used it to his advantage. We are no longer on speaking terms. It's not wrong for you to want to understand your dad's feelings, but he needs to know that you won't allow it to happen again. Don't give him the permission to put you on the back-burner when it's important for him to be there. And if he's not willing to put you first, before himself... Let him go. Just let him go. And maybe, there will come a day when he's realized what he's done to your relationship with him. Maybe that's jumping too far ahead into the future, but he needs to know how you feel before it's too late. You really need to have a talk with him.

"full-blown narcissists" to describe parents implies that they have a clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is a serious mental health condition. It is important to be cautious and seek professional help before making such a diagnosis.

Additionally, labeling someone as a narcissist can be damaging and hurtful, especially if it is done in a confrontational or accusatory way. It is important to approach any issues with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen and work towards a solution.

If you are concerned about your parents' behavior, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the situation in a healthy and constructive manner.

 

[ash]

acceptance is huge in this sort of situation. always clinging on to "perhaps they will change" leaves you carried away in a stream. I guess there is a difference between the person and the idea of that person. so expectations come in to it as well. you could always ask yourself, what do i need from this person, can they share that with me, will they if they can, consistently and to mutual benefit. mutual benefit is another huge concept, if it is not such then over time you face limitations. more time apart? reality checks for them etc. i wish you well and hope the graduation can be remembered for your achievement and rite of passage.

 

[hsnyder1994]

"full-blown narcissists" to describe parents implies that they have a clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is a serious mental health condition. It is important to be cautious and seek professional help before making such a diagnosis.

Additionally, labeling someone as a narcissist can be damaging and hurtful, especially if it is done in a confrontational or accusatory way. It is important to approach any issues with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen and work towards a solution.

If you are concerned about your parents' behavior, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the situation in a healthy and constructive manner.

Thank you, but I'm well aware of both of my birth parents... I wouldn't say that I was diagnosing them, even though I have studied Psychology enough to know their behaviors and patterns. Both of their personalities, really. And it wasn't to label them in a damaging or hurtful way, it's just the truth. I won't speak ill with details about my mother because she's deceased now, my biological father isn't far behind her. And I do happen to have a therapist that I can discuss with about them. So, if you had any idea of who they are, then you'd be saying something entirely different.

You're right- They weren't clinically diagnosed because they didn't want to be. I'll correct myself from saying "full-blown narcissists" to describe them. But they were definitely 100% narcissists.